Fat Git Enterprises - where everything is too much trouble


fat git enterprises - products

Fat Git Enterprises' work covers a multitude of fields of endeavour. Consultancy, Marketing, Product Development, Engineering Solutions, Design and PR - these are amongst the many words that we have heard and, in some cases, partially understood.

While it would be impossible to list all the achievements of the company over the last forty years, we would like to present you with the details of half-a-dozen projects which we have completed recently.

For legal reasons we are unable to name any of the people who were responsible for these projects, but we wish them all well (except for that bastard Henry Goatcalendar) and promise to keep seeing them on visiting days.

Please enjoy reading about these projects. If you want further details of any of them, more information is available from the Official Receiver, the Serious Fraud Office and the Black Museum at New Scotland Yard.


product development

Invented in our laboratories in Manchester, Dehydrated Water proved to be an instant success in the trailer parks of America and amongst certain classes of people in the inner cities of Europe. Unfortunately, the growing use of expensive bottled water amongst the gullible made great inroads into the Dehydrated Water market which was finally killed off after an unfortunate pollution incident involving a member of staff with an unusual passion for naked whelks.

Diet Water

Luckily, the gullible are always with us and, following a suggestion made by a "friend" of our Marketing Manager who he met at a Lap Dancing Evening Class, we have managed to exploit a huge niche in the bottled water market.

Commissioned by a branch of the World Government (oh yes it is), Fat Git Enterprises was tasked with finding new styles and flavours for a popular aerated drink.

Extensive market research conducted in the Oh Lardy Lardy Chip Emporium in Chatham demonstrated that the main brand of this drink was consumed at all times of the day. However, it was noticed that fruit juices and other dangerous beverages such as milk were being used as an alternative at breakfast time. In order to counter this deviant behaviour, a new flavour was developed which was designed to fit in with traditional breakfast tastes and, at the same time, provide a healthy low-fat alternative to the Full English Fry Up.
During field trials, some interesting behaviour was noted amongst the customers of the Oh Lardy Lardy Chip Emporium. Several of them were seen to be pouring salt, tomato ketchup and brown sauce into their newly opened cans of drink before tucking in to their traditional Pig'n'Egg Mega Fried Breakfast Sandwich Platter Feast. Sales of milk and fruit juices dropped off immediately, but the "included" mug of sweet tea continued to be consumed.
(An interesting side effect of consuming this drink at the same time as drinking tea was a slight frothing at the ears. Consumers seemed not to notice this.)
Overall, this product has been judged to be a success and it is due to be rolled out worldwide in November 2014.


marketing consultancy

A major chain of Public Houses, worried about impending government regulations forbidding the selling of Binge, asked Fat Git Enterprises to devise a marketing strategy which would help maintain their level of sales while appearing to conform with the new regulations.
After a considerable amount of practical research and a period in the Betty Ford Fiesta Clinic at Dagenham, Fat Git Enterprises consultants came to the conclusion that, in an industry whose product deliberately mashes the brains of its customers, any form of marketing would have the desired effect as long as it was large, loud and colourful. Consequently, instructions were sent to all the Pub Managers to place chalk-boards outside their premises showing the illustrated message.
Sales were maintained at a satisfactory level and the only slight drawback was a tendency for customers to fall over the chalk-boards.
A follow-up campaign involving large donations to party funds was even more successful.


transportation & infrastructure

Fat Git Enterprises was commissioned by a major transportation company to help improve their customer relations. After waiting in vain for several months for replies to their letters, emails and telephone calls, Fat Git Enterprises' consultants realised that their client's principal problem was one of communications.
An extensive training programme was undertaken to raise awareness of the importance of communicating information in the eyes of all the staff and, as a result, while the service level of the company diminished considerably, customer satisfaction levels were raised to an unprecedented height. This illustration show exactly how well the customer information communication system now works.

A successful Irish budget airline approached Fat Git Enterprises with the task of making themselves even more profitable than ever.
Correctly identifying that the company's business strategy was to strip all frills from their product in order to be able to offer stupidly low fares, Fat Git Enterprises came up with the suggestion that they save even more money by utilising aeroplanes that were incapable of flight. This would save expensive take-off and landing fees and would gain them some extra kudos by reducing their carbon footprint - whatever that is. By purchasing sufficiently large machines, the aeroplane itself would become the destination and passengers could spend up to two weeks aboard without noticing that they hadn't gone anywhere.
Fat Git Enterprises managed to source a number of ex-Soviet Aerial Battleships (through the kind offices of the Polish bloke at the Car Wash) and these are currently being refurbished at the airline's UK headquarters at London Airport (Giggleswick).

The Fat Git Enterprises Underwater Global Positioning Navigation System developed for the Royal Navy ran into a few problems while it was being field tested.
Designed to obviate the necessity of putting into the nearest port every couple of days in order to purchase a new card of four AA batteries, the FGEUGPNS was designed to be powered by a team of trained hamsters racing on a wheel attached to a dynamo nicked from the Admiral's bicycle. Unfortunately, no one had identified the fact that hamsters have a dysfunctional sense of direction which they are able to communicate telepathically to electronic equipment.
The manager of Aberfeldy Swimming Baths was able to be placated with a medium-sized bribe, apologies have been sent to all of those involved in the massive traffic jam on the New Jersey Turnpike and pop concerts are being organised to raise enough money to get Copenhagen back from Lithuania.


research & development

The Fat Git Enterprises Research & Development Department operates under considerable pressure and staff turnover is not helped by the mistaken installation of the Sudden Trampoline and Crocodile Pit Security Floor in the R&D Building's foyer. Consequently, several research projects have been abandoned because no one is left who can remember what they were setting out to achieve.
Fat Git Enterprises' ingenious solution to this problem was to instigate a Competition asking members of the public to suggest what these projects might have been leading to. The result of the Competition was the discovery that the public is silly. Very silly. Very, very silly.

The Traffic Department of the Norfolk Police Service asked Fat Git Enterprises to help them devise a new patrol vehicle to help them in their primary purpose of being ready in case the Vikings come back again.
The preliminary design as illustrated was rejected by Norfolk Police because it did not look enough like a tractor to be recognised as a road vehicle. Fortunately, the prototype was bought by Jeremy Clarkson who is developing the design as part of his campaign to modify speed cameras.